Pitt-bradford to add division i football; bills new $2 billion stadium to be built in nearby limestone news bradfordera.com j gastroenterol

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Officials at the University of Pittsburgh at Bradford are about to announce a major development in sports programming, according to an unnamed source in the athletic administration at the college. Beginning in the Fall of 2019, Pitt-Bradford will add NCAA Division I football to its roster of sports, all currently played at the Division III (non-scholarship) level.

In a related announcement, principal owner and chairman of the Buffalo Bills, Terry Pegula, on Thursday released a statement that the Bills had ended their search for a site south of Buffalo on which to erect a new stadium for the football team. The planned $2 billion Bills stadium will be located just north of the Pennsylvania border in Limestone, N.Y.

“The Bills action is what allowed for us to even consider adding Division I football,” said the Pitt-Bradford spokesperson, adding that the tiny Bradford college will share space in the stadium with the professional team. “We got the idea from the University of Pittsburgh’s arrangement to use the Pittsburgh Steelers stadium. With this facility, we’ll be able to schedule games with the likes of Penn State, Ohio State, Notre Dame, and Alabama.“

He added that the university is so grateful to Pegula for offering to share the space that school officials have commissioned Lady Gaga to write a new fight song for the campus, tentatively titled “Boola-Boola Terry Pegula.” Gaga could not be reached for comment.

Both university and Bills officials are considering plans for financing their ends of the new arrangement. “Even with the stadium, we’ll have to come up with some large start-up costs,” said the university spokesman, “but our accounting and math people are working on it. You’ll have to ask them”

This reporter contacted the head of the Mathematics and Accounting Division at the university, Dr. Lars Gerbil. Gerbil said that members of his department had worked out an intricate formula to fund the football program, based on a series of 50-50 giveaways, popular fundraisers in the area.

“There are at present 314 faculty and staff members at the university,” Gerbil explained. “If each one of them spends only 47 weekends per year doing 50-50 giveaways at their churches, businesses, kids’ schools, etc., then in three years we will have raised $3.74 million, which will serve to pay the initial costs of the football program.”

He added that additional income would come from “students enrolling in the easy new majors we will have to institute so that the football players can remain academically eligible,” as well as new courses of study related to football, such as a concussion minor in the Sports Medicine program.

Another complication for the local campus involves Title IX regulations, which mandate that approximately equal monies be spent on men’s and women’s sports.”The problem is that there are only so many intercollegiate sports, and we’ll need about 14 new women’s sports to offset the cost of the football program,” said one sports administration official.

Decisions to add three new women’s sports have already been finalized. These will include field hockey, women’s gymnastics, and downhill skiing, which, with continued global warming, will become downhill water-sliding in the near future, according to Democratic sports experts. The campus is currently evaluating other new women’s sports to add by the early 2020s, including bocce ball, roller derby, and competitive crochet.