Questions archive – xxxchurch.com gas prices going up to 5 dollars

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My husband and I have been married for 18 years. Unbeknownst to me 14 years ago he got addicted to porn again after having stopped after college, however it was an infrequent addiction of watching it 1-3 times a year, so he always thought he had the willpower to stop. Our sex life suffered and we were having sex maybe once a month but after our 2nd daughter was born it dwindled to 1-3 a year. After that we didn’t have sex for 7 years. 3 years into having not being physically intimate I knew it was a problem and for the last 7 years of our marriage we sought pastoral counseling, attending Christian marriage conferences and going to Christian couples counseling but he never revealed he was unfaithful (although I would ask him a few times over the last 12 years whether he was having an affair or having sex with other women because we weren’t and he always lied.).

I found out just 2 years ago that he was unfaithful -having sex with prostitutes every since my 2nd daughter was born 12 years ago. The entire time we sought counseling I thought it was me, my anger. I was devastated and these last 2 years has been one of the most difficult journeys in my life. I have learned so much about sex addiction. I understand that sex addiction can be biological but when you add on childhood wounds and abuse, then a person is fertile ground for sex addiction. There needs to be physical healing (brain rewiring), emotional and spiritual healing.

I am now at a crossroads, my husband has been “sober” for 2 years and has worked hard on his recovery from sex addiction but unfortunately our intimacy disorder is so significant. I have sought counseling, support groups, prayer healing to work on this marriage, but now I just feel stuck and realizing, our marriage may never heal in the area of intimacy. minus a miracle from God. I don’t think God intended me to be in a loveless, sexless marriage and I just feel like I have tried everything in these last 9 years to save this marriage. These last 2 years when his actions don’t follow what he says he will do, it triggers the anger in me or makes me feel hopeless. His passivity and inability to make me feel cherished and pursued makes me not want to open my heart to him. I cannot trust him and feel so traumatized. Are there any resources for women like me? (Besides Pure Desire, Patrick Carnes, Barbara Steffens and Doug Weiss?) Is there any help out there for men who are not only sex addicts but also have extreme intimacy disorders? I do not want to remain in a marriage like this, I would rather be single then be married and alone. I am sorry for this long email.

My heart goes out to you. The betrayal you have suffered is just awful– there is no other way to say that. I think you have been amazing to go to the lengths you have to try to salvage your marriage. The effort you put forth to learn more about sexual addiction and how to walk beside your husband is admirable.

I know you said you have spent years in counseling so the last thing I want to tell you is that you need to find a counselor but the truth of the matter is that our resources are geared to be a support and to help point addicts and those who love them to begin the steps to recovery. Obviously there are going to be some cases that are more complicated than others and not all everything can be covered by a “blanket statement”. I think the intimacy issues that you and your spouse face need to be addressed by a sexual addictions counselor or someone that deals specifically with the sexual dysfunctions that can happen as a result of years of abuse and addiction.

It sounds to me like your husband crossed into a form of sexual behavior that aroused him and now that he is trying to “tame” it and rebuild a normal sex life, his body and brain are just not on board yet. This is not uncommon with addicts of this length of time.

If you have not gotten a list of the resources available on XXXchurch.com, I would recommend going to the start here section for spouses and download the PDF and consider looking for a local therapist that deals specifically with sex addiction– not just a pastor as you said you were doing for years.