Real what happens in viegas electricity transformer near house

This is post about a few things that I covered the past few blogs. I’ve been in this downward spiral for so long, and my myself for so long.. I ran into people I know a couple of days ago, and talked and laughed with them – and the whole time all I could think about was how the whole interaction was not me at all. It was like someone else took over my body and the real me was trapped inside screaming “WHO IS THIS BITCH??? I DON’T KNOW HER!” about myself. It was such a fake interaction, I was so disgusted with myself. I know I cannot to do people, because I have to make a complete personality switch and I fucking hate myself even more after it’s done.

My flatmate had a small party last night. She called a few of her friends over. Introduced me to all of them. Inside I was dying. I even had a breakdown when I was overwhelmed and so anxious with having so many people around. I had to retreat to my room and reboot. Several times.

But considering I posted about Passion a couple of times, this group of people, including my flatmate have got to be the most passionate bunch I have met in a while. They are all dancers. Zouk, samba, salsa, you name it and they do it. They’re are all above 30 years of age and have incredible day jobs.. My flatmate used to be a flight attendant and now works in insurance, one of the girls is an entrepreneur with several businesses of her own but is considered to be one if the best dancers in NZ, one of the guys is a rocket engineer but has also been dancing for years. But what unites all of them is their passion for dance. They have known each other for years, danced together as beginners and now are dance instructors, are nationally acclaimed and compete and train teams to compete at latin dancing internationally. They were a real extroverted bunch and their love for dancing makes them very social. My passions are more introverted and allow me to keep to myself but I am relieved I can relate to them on some level – having something to be passionate about. But they are proof that if you love something, you will find a way to do it.

It pains me to think that there are people out there who do not have PASSION. They do not have anything they love to do. Most adults have jobs, responsibilities, but some people use that as an excuse and do not really allow themselves to grow and find something they love to do so much it could work as a way of unwinding and calming themselves. Or maybe they have created this idea in their head that having something fun to do – even if its something like playing video games, is childish and a waste of time and energy. I think such people are easily bored because they need to find new and different things to do when they have time off work and nothing really holds their interest for very long. Even people do not hold their interest very long. It makes it kind of hard to talk to them about things and at the same time feels like there not enough things to do in the community to keep them entertained. They are not very content with staying home and doing some activity by themselves, they feel the need to go out and do something in order to feel productive. We were not put on this planet to work, pay bills and buy a house. Those are realistic goals to have, don’t get me wrong. But what about love? Adventure? What is the point in being grown up, if you can’t be childish sometimes? How will you find yourself if you do not give yourself and others the opportunity to get to know you? I love when people indulge me in things I love to do, like accompany me to the bookstore because they know I love to read, or sing along with me, because I love to sing or read my blog and give me constructive criticism. But I also love to show support to the ones I love with something they love to do. I would love to stand to side and cheer them on. But if the people you love do not love to do anything, and are not very receptive to finding something they love to do, then it becomes hard. You love them no matter what, and you want to spend time with them but you can’t because they may shut you down and not let you in.

I finished watching QUEER EYE , a show in which 5 gay guys makeover straight men, and the key point they focused on is how similar we all are as opposed to how different we are. We all want to love and be loved, but how will that be possible if we keep very few people around, call them friends, or partners, but never really let even those few people in? We may even try to make them feel guilty for trying to ask questions to get to know you. And then we get impatient with the people sticking with us and waiting for us to open up, and we push them away. We build these walls around ourselves, (I do it too) to keep everybody out, but we’re also keeping ourselves in. We tend to forget about that part.

My weird conversation with that American army vet on the phone a couple of days ago has kept me up for a couple of nights – IF – but I reach the same conclusion every time. He was right – Life is too short. At least I can say I did not give up and that giving up, walking away from the things I love and the people I love, was never an option for me. It is too late to fix it now. They faced their reality and by doing that, they made me face mine – that I can never trust them again. Trust once broken takes time to be earned again and they would not waste another minute of their time on me. By doing what they did they made me accept that I was not important to them as they are still to me and all I can do is cut myself out of the picture completely, pray that they are happy with where they are and the decisions they make and wish them all the very best. I just need to learn to live with the consequences of their decisions. I feel like I should have seen it. I was too happy and that itself is red flag. I thought for once I deserved something good, and I went along with it because it felt good and right and like it was meant to last. Now, nothing.

As I mentioned in the start of the post – this post touched on several topics I posted about in the recent past. I almost gave up this blog but could not do it. I love to write. And right now this is the only thing that makes me feel a little better. Hopefully this makes sense to the readers.