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Satan and God had a bit of an argument way back when over who should call the shots about what happens to the entire universe. Satan began by laying out his points in a fairly logical fashion, but that’s when it all went to hell (pun intended). This discussion between the two of them was the catalyst that sparked God’s pretend rage, causing some major smiting and Satan being thrown just outside of the Pearly Gates where he set up his own kingdom and a lemonade stand.

Although Satan found himself just outside the pearly gates he wasn’t about to take it lying down so he summoned up legions of pretend demons from the pretend eternal fires to strike back. Meanwhile, back in heaven, God was watching this unfold. So he asked Michael the Archangel and said, "Mike, take care of it." Michael got a bunch of angels down to the gates. It wasn’t much of a fight, though, as the angels cast all of the devils out of heaven into the Pit of Hell in a fashion that would be imitated millions of years later by Leonidas and the Spartans.

Satan is an accomplished fiddler, and routinely plays with a band of demons at various venues in Georgia. He also owns the world’s largest pornography collection known to any mortal civilization which even rivals Pee Wee Herman’s extensive collected works. Other famous collections include one of the world’s largest number of souls owned by one man, second only to Michael Jackson. The souls in the collection come from many different areas across the world. Some of his other favorite daily activities are golfing, torturing the Damned, and taking over the world.

But Satan isn’t all bad. Sometimes he likes long walks on the lava listening to the songs of the screaming with his three headed dog Fluffy. His favorite thing to do on a date is to go out clubbing — baby seals, that is. Satan is rumored to enjoy Cheez Whiz and hot chocolate with just a smidgen of whipped cream and a flake. Sometime even with a little dark chocolate, oh he is SO spoiled!

As covered in the ’70s documentary film The Exorcist, Satan occasionally enjoys taking control of otherwise innocent people, a phenomenon known as "possession". While under Satan’s spell, subjects appear to be overcome by funny insanity, often mumbling complete nonsense. Though best remembered as the father of all lies, Old Nick is also the first veteran and the first to complain about how the government was being run; however, unlike other great military leaders who fought bravely against all odds for the losing side, Satan has yet to be recognized as a war hero through commemorative bronze statues in public parks or through Heaven Civil War reenactments.

Satan has inspired genres of music such as death metal and black metal; among the metal personalities that claim to have business relations with Satan are bands too nasty to mention. However, in a statement issued as a response to Christian groups, Satan remarked that "Many of these so-called ‘Satanists’ would not realize if they found themselves in Hell." This has been amusing him since the late 19th century, when he invented record companies.

Satan is also affiliated with the rap industry and making deals with Jay-Z and Beyonce with exposure of the aluminary and demon Sasha Fierce. He also apparently knows how to play the fiddle, but isn’t very good at it, and his band once lost a battle of the bands to a little boy from Georgia named Johnny and a bunch of chicken. Don’t mention this to the big guy though, unless you want a face full of fire.

Satan is mentioned or alluded to in a large number of songs, such as "Sympathy for the Devil" by The Rolling Stones, "Lucifer Sam" by Pink Floyd, " Highway to Hell" by AC/DC, "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen, and if you play "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin backwards while they’re singing "If there’s a bustle in your hedgerow, don’t be alarmed now…", it really sounds like "Here’s to my sweet Satan" and "I sing because I live with Satan" (seriously dude, try it).

Satanists are people who follow Satanism, a cult full of people who are intent on devout absolution, that follow a decree of indulgence as witnessed by the Church of Satan. Satanists are known to be at odds with most everything Christians love, yet own control of everything the government says you are not allowed. The lair of a typical Satanist is a dark misery quorum, where a human can reflect on their actions to ponder why their peers must succumb to a feeble world. Although the description looks bad, Satanism does not worship anarchy, they are probably just seeking attention after a history of abuse observation of allies and comrades doing something against the social normality; and they know that the Christians are the worshipers and idolaters mentioned in the Bible, in research, and found in every correlation in life existing in connection with Dick Cheney, the dark lord.

In the story of the Garden of Eden God told man not to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil because he wanted all animals to live in peace and have free will. Without free will there is no love, so when Satan told man to eat of the tree he gave him the ability to love.

Satan realized one day that the Catholic Church would forgive him of any sin as long as he made an honest conversion, with the one exception of suicide. So after creating a rock so big pointy and lopsided he couldn’t lift it, there was only one thing left to do on his bucket list, kill himself. However Satan was also just too proud of himself and couldn’t do it on his own, so he sought out professional psychological help from Darkseid on Apokolips. Darkseid used the Anti-Life Equation and dropped his mathematical proof of the devil’s futile existence, convincing Satan that according to every single religion that believed in him he was going to lose when God eventually got off his lazy ass and went back to work, making him an even bigger loser. If he was serious about thwarting God’s plans than he needed to go back in time and prevent his own existence, because that’s like super suicide; if he couldn’t do that, than Doctor Who was a far better contender for the ultimate evil than some chump that has to wait till judgement day like everyone else that can’t even disprove Thomas Aquinas and the Catholic Church canon as being the word of God on temporal physics. Than Darkseid started making chicken clucking noises, the final component of the Anti-Life equation. That was the last straw, as the devil went back in time and made it so he never existed, getting about half way to inventing atheism. Instead of Satan living in his dad’s basement and listening to death metal, God used the downstairs to store most of his stuff in boxes, having lost the upstairs to Asherah in the divorce. [ Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] See also Edit