– frequently asked questions for the betrayed spouse ag gaston birmingham


• At first you will just need to do whatever you can to get through the days. As soon as you can, try to do things that make you feel good even if you have to fake it till you make it. Pamper yourself – take a bubble bath, drink a glass of wine, spend time with your friends, blast your favorite music, make a cd, read and post your vents here, go shopping, get a massage and a manicure, change your hair style, read a good book, enjoy your children, take a few days away – do things that you enjoy that you usually didn’t do because you were taking care of everyone else, take the time to take care of you. Do some volunteer work to feel good about yourself.

• Find an inspiration that will carry you through a tough day. Tape it someplace that you will see often and garner strength from it. It can be a poem, a prayer or a picture, whatever works for you. Put it on your computer monitor, your mirror, your steering wheel. gas after eating Make it your mantra – memorize it and repeat it to yourself whenever necessary. Pick out new ones as you recover and you will notice the change in yourself.

• Try to detach yourself emotionally from the situation to see it more clearly & from your WS if you need to so that you don’t hurt so much – look for articles to help detach – there are some in the Inspirations Forum. If necessary for your own sanity, go no contact with your WS about everything except children and finances and handle those things by e-mail or other non-emotional methods. Do not let your WS push your buttons, leave the room and do something else for you.

• Go to a bookstore or do a web search for helpful books and read them to understand what happened and what can happen from here. A suggestion is Love Must be Tough by Dr. Dobson. gas evolution reaction Read the book and then highlight areas that help you. n game When you have a day that you can’t do anything else, rewrite those passages over and over. It will kill the time and the message will start to sink in.

• Know that even if your WS is showing remorse, you will go through the 5 stages of grieving (can be in any order): Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Letting Go, Acceptance. This is the healing process. Whether you reconcile or not, you will grow as a person. It wasn’t your choice, but given time and an effort, you will survive and you will be stronger.

Unresolved "Family of Origin" issues often play a major role in the series of choices that lead to an affair. Our upbringing and the example set by our family forms the foundation of our belief systems, thought processes and self-esteem. It teaches us how to handle conflict and strife, and how to interact with loved ones. By carefully exploring the family dynamic of the WS, important clues about the "Why" can be revealed.

Sometimes the connection is obvious. For instance, if the wayward spouse observed overt abuse and infidelity as a child, they may have internalized the belief that such behavior was "normal", even if they consciously believe it to be wrong. gas quality comparison Most times, the connection is less evident. Many, if not most, affairs stem from self-esteem issues combined with ineffective coping and communications skills on the part of the wayward spouse. Feelings of worthlessness, feelings of entitlement, feeling impotent and unappreciated, feeling powerless…all stem from the feedback received as a child.

Also, escapist behavior, deceptive behavior, hiding activities and interests, suppressing emotions, lying by omission, avoiding conflict…all are strategies developed by a child to give them a feeling of safety and control in their environment. quadcopter gas motor Most people learn better and more effective coping skills, and gain better perspective and insight to their own self-worth as they become adults. In times of stress, fear or unhappiness, however, it is not uncommon to revert to these childlike beliefs and responses to varying extents. Counseling with a qualified therapist is often helpful in resolving these issues, though not always necessary.

An abusive background or unresolved family of origin issues does not exonerate a WS from their choice to have an affair. As a functioning adult, they certainly knew the choice was wrong. Many counselors and therapists will not even discuss family of origin, as identifying and changing the harmful behavior is the most direct way to understanding the issue at hand, and to prevent recurrence. This is valid, especially if the WS, (or the BS for that matter), appears to be seeking an excuse for the behavior or seeking to place blame outside the relationship.

Exploring family of origin issues can, however, be extremely helpful for some individuals in thoroughly recognizing and fully understanding the unproductive childlike feelings and behaviors that signify stress or unhappiness, thereby helping them to self-intervene and formulate appropriate adult responses. It can also help couples in mutual understanding and hopefully, healing and forgiveness.