When is the last time your own actions scared you – quora gas number density


In my dreams though, his remains would turn to me and ask me why I made him do it. I started avoiding sleep as much as I possibly could. I was beyond exhausted, guilt ridden, traumatized, confused, and I can’t really think of a word for the sadness.

“Sadness” seems like an insult to the situation. “Devastated” doesn’t cut it. Anyone who has lost a loved one knows that feeling. The expression of having a hole in your heart is meant to be literal, I believe. Because, I physically felt an emptiness in my chest.

It made me realize, though, that I didn’t want to die. I just didn’t want to feel that way anymore. I didn’t want to see his stupid mess of what was left of his face, blaming me for what he did. I didn’t want to feel empty and sick to my stomach anymore.

I’m happy again. I’m off those meds, and have not had those dreams in a very long time. The last dream I had of him was him apologizing to me and telling me it wasn’t my fault. My therapist tells me this was my sub conscious finally letting it go.

They didn’t “scare” me – retrospectively, they made me know as a fact that there’s a “nothing else matters” land where I can find myself in. Literally, NOTHING else matters there. It was long ago, and both instances were related to my child.

Last instance was when she had epiglottitis, and I she stopped breathing in my bed, one night. I grabbed the child and jumped in the car and I pushed the gas to limit, driving with the maximum speed the car could technically reach (and it could reach high speed) from home to 1 m from the hospital walls. I knew in those moments that I won’t slow down for nothing in the world, could it be police, a pedestrian in my way, or 20 pedestrians. I was in the middle of the city, passing all red lights in a row with over 240 km/h. I was absolutely determined to go to hell and to jail and wherever else for the rest of my life if my child’s life depended on it – and it did.

The previous episode was quite similar, I was driving to hospital with a bleeding baby, a new born. She was a preemie and for some unknown reason her belly button opened when we went home. It was a simple medical intervention but she was loosing a lot of blood – and she was still a tiny preemie. It was snowing, heavy snow, freezing, and a guard at the hospital didn’t want me to park in the hospital’s yard and tried to make me go around the hospital and park 1 km away and carry my new born soaked in blood from there: I was deadly calm, I looked him in the eyes and told him: “Get off my way now, or I drive through you.” And I changed gears – to do it. He was probably trained enough to jump away. I knew and he knew I would definitely have done it.

I wasn’t ever out of control otherwise. Even in those 2 moments I wasn’t out of control: I was very much under control and those were decisions. I was calm, and those were my best decisions given the circumstances. In hindsight, all I wanted to achieve was save my child and both decisions were in line with that. I totally owned doing whatever I needed to do for it.